My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
