tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
