Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
