He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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