every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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