the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
3 2 1 whiskey
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
