two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
