Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
