At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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