remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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