I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
