I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I could fuck to npr.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
