im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
