How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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