woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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