I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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