shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
