my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
