Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
