If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
