Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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