my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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