mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
