I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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