So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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