I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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