'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
