Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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