Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
