moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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