2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
