so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
