my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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