I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
