On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
