Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Dignity is for republicans.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
