STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
