Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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