I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
