after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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