The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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