Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
