I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
