We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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