somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
