OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
