oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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