2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
