ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
