saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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