Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
