Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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